I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
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The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”