Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
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I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.