Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
You Might Also Like
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.