Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
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I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?