Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
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I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.