The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
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friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas