Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
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I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Hello Twits.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.