Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
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Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.