Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
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It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.