Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
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I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Sharon I have some bad news
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
For the orator and chef in all of us
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
12653.
How it started: How it’s going:
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry