me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
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MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Why is no one talking about this?!
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
stand with me against insufficient seating
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Simple enough.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?