There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
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Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
The little toadstool has spoken.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”