[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
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When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Boating season is upon us.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.