I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
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Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.