I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
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Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
🙂🐾