It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
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True statement👍😏😁
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs