It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
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NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.