I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
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Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
my dog when i have a friend over
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.