Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
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Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat