Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
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You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Every BBC series about the universe.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”