watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
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Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed