*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
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If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.