Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
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I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Doctors texting each other.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit