I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no