*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
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I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*