TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
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I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Don’t touch that.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
This is enough internet for the day.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter