There is no “we” in pizza
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My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
The morning after pill, but for tweets
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆