Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
You Might Also Like
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean