Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
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[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.