When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
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It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers