Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
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This might be me.
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I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend