I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
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Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
haha same
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh