At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
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Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
i would wish you the best but i am the best
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
The three genders
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
#Caturday
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.