Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
You Might Also Like
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter