I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
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asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?