My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
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longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
I can also cook 😂
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.