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Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.