[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
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Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑