My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
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I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.