I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
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me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.