Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
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Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.