…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
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[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.