Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
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I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Catercrombie & Fish
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.