Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
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Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
*jingles half the way*
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”