Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
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[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔