anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
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“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested