I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
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I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on