Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
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The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]