I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
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10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*