If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
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MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.